


Everything Now

by lucydwrites



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF, thorcid
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Other, The feels, arcade fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 22:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19238755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucydwrites/pseuds/lucydwrites
Summary: "He wanted to be everyday by his side, even if it was too much, and he was trying constantly to not let him pour and go to waste, because every drop of Shane mattered."





	Everything Now

A\N: This fic was inspired by this[ Arcade fire](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D2qw5NXySOEI&t=NmY4MDgxYWI2NjgwNzk2YWNlMTdhZWMwNDk4NWVjZmZlNTE2MWM0MCxycEY5Q0ZxVQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F161860335570%2Feverything-now-thorcid-fanfic-an-after-a&m=1) song and [Thorgy’s birthday cakes](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Fp%2FBUxDS-rjv_i%2F%3Ftaken-by%3Dthorgyismyaunt&t=MzNkYTU5ZTY5ZjZiMWZiZGE5Y2Q0YjBiYjcwNzljOTUyMzY3NTI2NyxycEY5Q0ZxVQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F161860335570%2Feverything-now-thorcid-fanfic-an-after-a&m=1)

*

Jamin felt the pull of coming back to reality. His sister’s fingers were gently pressing his forearm, her voice echoing in distance. He was dreaming about hybrid sea animals, the ones that lived in the depths of the ocean, maybe ruling Atlantis in their most majestic form.

_“Jay?”_

Her voice was muffled and bubbly.

“Wake up…it’s time to go”

The voice was getting closer as she repeated the command, and when it reached the highest pitch he opened his eyes, sucking a deep breath. The detergent smell in the corridor filled quickly his lungs, the white walls were blinding. He was probably the only teenager hanging around in the wing of the hospital this late hour. He fell asleep on the bench waiting for his sister. His mother condition was still the same.

He wiped off some dry drool from his left cheek and tried taming his messy blonde curls. He had slept on some of his drawings, and he picked them up and stuffed in his backpack. He noticed the paint stains on his shirt and grimaced frustrated. If Becky wasn’t so tired she would have argued with him. But she just heavy sighed and tilted her head as a  _let’s go_  sign.

Jamin continued walking by her side staring at his shoes along the hall.

“You’re running out of clean shirts this week to go to school” she patted on her brother’s shoulder as they were almost reaching the elevator. He just nodded in silence feeling guilty. “But never run out of your beautiful art” she reassured him side hugging the defeated kid.

*

The same way Shane would make Jamin watch the most suspicious so-called art films, he made Shane watch all his favorite 80’s classics. One day he found out the outrageous information that Shane has never seen any of  _The never-ending story_ movies. Jamin cancelled everything he had to do and immediately scheduled a movie night.

Jamin knew Shane was having mixed feeling about the cancellation of the Well Strung tour, that things didn’t quite work the way he wanted, and how sensitive he was about the constant frustration of not getting his projects done. But there was a selfish side of him that appreciated the fact he wasn’t going out on tour, and he could have his boyfriend all for himself. With season still 9 happening, the attention was focused in the new girls. They were staying in New York most of the time and could finally settle in to a more normal pace in their relationship.

He didn’t know Ally was staying the weekend in Shane’s apartment, but they were used to each other. The 7-year-old girl had a blunt honesty that Jamin found quite relatable. They needed food supplies for the night, so they went to a sort of pricey grocery store a bit far from Jamin’s neighborhood.  Ally was holding Shane’s hand while he was guiding the trolley glancing at the shelves. From time to time they would stop and check the price and Shane would complain turning his back to Jamin and he’d just nod in agreement while Ally sneakily added more items in the trolley. As he observed them both walking in front of him the scene felt sweetly mundane.

“We were supposed to just get popcorn and some candy bars, not food for the whole month” he called out resting his chin on Shane’s shoulder, sticking his hands inside the pockets of Shane’s coat, their bodies brushing slightly. Shane that was checking a huge pickles jar didn’t even move.

“You’re right!” Shane put back the jar on the shelf and turned to face him patting on his chest then catching Ally in the act putting three cereal boxes in the trolley. “Focus, Ally!”

She stopped midway and let go a defeated sign, putting just one box. They continued heading to the cashier and Shane’s hand reached Jamin’s, like in a unconscious reflex and they continued walking. The place was far from Jamin’s neighborhood. The chances of finding familiar faces were very little and he frankly didn’t care.

When they got to the cashier Ally was excited putting all the unnecessary items they ended up taking. Shane noticed one bouquet of different types of artificial flowers.

“Wai-wai-wait, Ally, what’s with the plastic flowers?” he stopped her chuckling.

“Decorations for the dinner table today” she replied as if it was the most obvious answer. Shane and Jamin exchanged looks. She seemed a young lady with a purpose.

“Well, they do match your colored raw noodles” Jamin pointed out. Shane shook his head letting the cashier lady pass the bouquet in the register machine. She was in her late forties and was amused by the whole scene.

Ally was blonde and had huge blue eyes and a colorful sense of fashion. The woman analyzed Jamin and Ally again, as if she was searching for similarities.

“You two have a cute kid” she added after the last item was out.

Jamin felt a quick swirl in his stomach but laughed nervous along with Shane, yet neither of them corrected her. Jamin could swear he saw Shane’s mouth opening to contest. He reached for his hand again while they watched Ally in front of them running with two plastic bags and twirling like a ballerina with no stage.

*

Ally wasn’t interested in  _The never-ending story_  at all.

Shane had a salad because he’s been trying to lose some weight, but Jamin made meat pancakes for them anyways. After dinner they were in the living room, watching the movie on the couch. Half hour running and she was sleeping on the armchair by the couch’s side. Shane had the opposite reaction, he was completely focused in the movie, gently caressing the stuffed Falcor figure Jamin had.

The whole time he seemed anxious with the psychological symbolisms of the 80’s fantasy gem. The scene now was the heart-wrenching death of the horse Artaix in the Swamp of Sadness. As Atreyu desperately pulled the leash to save his companion Shane squeezed Falcor harder.

“He is not going to die, right? This is a kids movie!” he asked tapping on Jamin’s thigh. Artaix continued sinking in the swamp and Shane carved his fingers in Jamin’s knee looking at the screen mouth open in complete shock.

When Jamin watched it first with Beckie they were kids. Sebastian’s way of dealing with his mother’s death somehow echoed on them. Shane’s eyes were watery and he let go of the fabric of Jamin’s shorts gradually.

“Oh god, you’re really crying?” Jamin asked surprised leaning to check his face closer.

Shane was quiet as a tear rolled down on his cheek.

“I’m glad Ally is not watching this terrible and evil movie” he sobbed taking off his glasses to sweep a tear away with his forearm.

“Thoorg….” he sympathized bringing him to rest on his chest so he could rock him. His meltdown was completely adorable. He kissed the top of his head as Shane continued sniffing.

“This is completely fucked up…” his voice came out trembling and he hugged Falcor harder. “I’m done. I can’t with this movie anymore. Let’s watch Willow again” he turned to face Jamin, their faces inches closer.

“I never thought you would actually take this movie so seriously…I’m so surprised” he continued looking down at Shane’s red eyes. Then he turned to rest his head on Jamin’s chest again.

They continued in silence for minutes, Jamin stroking the hairs of Shane’s arms distractedly. He was feeling the slumber taking over even with Shane’s weight over him.

“You know…I’ve feared  _Nothing_  my whole life, I mean, as artists, isn’t this what we fear the most? The lack of imagination. We exist because we imagine” 

Shane's musings brought him back after a blink of an eye. Or he completely dozed out because the credits were on the screen. He must have been out for half an hour. Shane sitting straight fumbling for the remote control. Jamin continued in the same position, legs on the coffee table but now he could cross his arms over his chest. It was chilly without Shane’s heat next to him.

“It’s funny that you’re saying this, because when I was a kid…it was my constant fear, that one day I would just stop making art, that it would just fade away while I was sleeping. That’s why I like to-

“…draw during breakfast” Shane finished his sentence. Jamin nodded in acknowledge. Then Shane picked up some of his morning sketches that were on the coffee and softly smiled looking at them. One it was just outline of Shane’s arm, he recognized because of the blue bubbles that looked exactly like his tattoo.

“Still here” he reassured him and leaned for a quick kiss, but Jamin cupped his face for Shane to slow down and take his time. Ally was still sleeping in the armchair across the couch. Shane slowly started trailing down from Jamin’s neck to his chest, their tongues touched shyly to not make any noises, just to bring water for their dry mouths. Jamin pulled Shane by the waist, but Jamin feel him pulling back. No straddling. A growling stomach started to complain loud and cut the steamy mood.

Shane widened his eyes laughing inside Jamin’s mouth. “I’m so hungry!” Shane pouted while Jamin rubbed his stomach trailing hazily his jaw, planting small kisses.

“Stop with this crazy diet” Jamin demanded planting one last kiss on the tip of his nose.

Shane has gained some extra pounds but Jamin didn’t mind at all, especially with the way his ass looked in pajamas pants. His belly was rounder but the extra weight was well distributed in his long figure.

Shane deep sighed peering at the tray still half filled with meat pancakes.

“Fuck it! Bring the damn tray”

He stood up leaving Shane with Falcor. As he fetched the pancakes putting on a plate he observed Shane squeezing its ears and caressing the long tail. He looked like a kid in love with the toy he wanted for Christmas.  He turned his attention to the table, the vase with the plastic flowers decorating the center. Ally was right, he realized softly chuckling that it did bring life to the dinner.

The three of them sitting for dinner at home, with a lovely decoration in a Saturday night. Could he take this picture further in the future? Somehow it was frozen in time.

He joined Shane on the couch and he started eating the pancakes moaning at each bite. He was checking his messages as Jamin’s eyes were locked at him, but his mind far away.  He kept eating the pancakes in a roll with bare hands while the cheese inside kept spilling out. The musician had the most beautiful hands, and he was the only person Jamin knew that could rock worn out black nail polish.

Shane suddenly stopped going through his phone and tapped repeatedly on Jamin’s knee in urgency, “Oh shit!  it’s almost 1 am and my cousin is picking me up tomorrow! Remember? I told you that I’m playing in my great-uncle 90 birthday’s party? He is coming from Norway and I haven’t practiced the whole week. Fuck!”

Jamin nodded raising his brows. He knew it. And he knew his boyfriend would forget.

“You must leave early. There’s nothing Thorgy here” Jamin recalled while chewing calmly. Shane grabbed his thigh.

“You have to wake me up. I’m going to tuck Ally into bed, then I’m going to practice in your studio. You HAVE to wake me up, I’m serious, bitch” he ordered pointing as his index finger was pointing at his chest. Jamin rolled his eyes scoffing.

“Thorg, I always do! But you sleep again every goddamn time. It’s so annoying. Besides, I have shit to do too so I’ll leave earlier than you. Are you sure you want to practice the violin now?”

“What are you talking about, it’s the best hour to practice. And in my defense, I don’t go back to sleep every time, at least not when we have sex. We need to fuck first thing in the morning. Set the alarm for 5 am. I don’t want a quickie” he commented as if he was ordering breakfast and continued browsing his phone. Jamin was shaking his head the whole time. “What? Ugh, you’re probably the only person in the universe that doesn’t like morning sex”

“Well, first, I’m not just a dildo you can hump on the minute you want. It’s not how it works” he pretended to be outraged and took another bite in his pancake roll, “And second I  _do_  like morning sex. But I hate mornings, so my energy is kinda…off. I prefer to let my mornings for black coffee, scrambled eggs and silent hate”

Shane was not buying at all.

“You are…” Shane searched in his memories, tilting his head. “Sorta rougher in the morning. I like it” he bit his lip and gave a little shimmy eyeing Jamin’s pajamas shorts. “And you wake up with the most amazing hard on always”

“It’s a physiological reaction, it’s not because I’m horny” he defended himself putting a pillow on his crotch. “Don’t brag yourself” he dished him but this whole conversation was in fact making him horny. The last time they had sex in the morning they left marks on the wall because of the headboard banging, Shane’s dreads entwined his fingers as he pulled them back like a leash… _Fuck_. He was getting turned on with the memory.  But he wasn’t going to give in. He cleared his throat and held the poker face.

“Hey, I’ll take it…” Shane continued pretending to be humble, dropping his voice to a sultrier tone. Then he caressed Jamin’s knee distractedly, scrubbing off an invisible lint of his shorts. “Waking up with your morning wood rubbing on my leg it’s the best way to start the day…” his eyes traveled around Jamin’s body until their eyes met and he opened a mischievous smile. “But fine, I guess I can just set the loudest alarm clock…”

“Shane?”

Ally’s voice echoed waking up.  _Shit._ They both panicked with the possibility that she was listening to the conversation the whole time.

Shane stood up, fixing the crotch area of his pants that curled after so much time sitting and Jamin observed him. He felt his cock twitching and he winced annoyed. It had a mind of its own, especially with the vision of Shane in those thin worn out pajamas. Shane noticed him pressing the pillow harder on his lap.

“Come on, let’s go to bed” Shane helped her getting up.

She was very sleepy rubbing her eyes.

“Is the movie over? We can watch now…” she drowsy yawned as Shane took her hand.

“Take Falcor with you. He doesn’t like to sleep off my bed” Jamin offered the flying dragon figure that was almost Ally’s size and she took it.

“Stay with us a bit… he will miss you, he’s not used to me and Shane” she offered Jamin a hand. Shane threw him an apologetic look of leaving him blue balls like that.

“You two go first, I just need to clean up the mess in the kitchen”

“What’s a morning wood?” she asked rubbing her left eye.

They eyed each other in panic, but Jamin was the one to give an explanation.

“Trees! They usually grow bigger in the morning. Because the…sun exposition and…

“Photosynthesis!” Shane added leading Ally to the bedroom pushing her back. She just shrugged satisfied with the answer. “You’re probably studying this when you grow up…”

Shane looked over his shoulder at Jamin that had his hand covering his mouth resisting the urge to burst into laughter.

*

The TV was on and Ally was sleeping in the middle of them, cradled on Shane’s chest. He was almost falling asleep. Jamin couldn’t shake it off the question that was haunting him the whole night. Shane’s birthday was coming and an invisible tick started in his chest. They were together, in their own way for a year. The last time he had a relationship this long it ended tragically, and he wondered if there’s was something to wreck coming soon. Shane counted on him to be strong, to set the pieces of his scattered mind in order but he often felt unsure of being whole himself.

_He was turning forty this year._

Acid Betty was timeless, but Jamin surely was aging. In some level, their drag persona shielded them to think about the ordinary world. As creatures of the night, the pleasures of daylight seemed like a beautiful story in a book: a wedding. A big white house in the suburbs with kids running around. Growing old together. They were never able to see the big picture hiding in the spotlight.

He didn’t even know if Shane wanted any of these things, or even if they made sense for him. He was a child of an unconventional home, but Shane had all these things growing up.

Would he even know what to do?

_Don’t wake up, Jamin. Don’t wake up. If you wake up it’s gone._

He peered at Shane by his side almost falling asleep. They belonged in the night, but Shane’s light kept getting brighter…

“Do you think about having kids?”

The question was out before he even trying to stop. Shane chuckled looking down at Ally nested on his chest.

“I knew the cashier comment was going to be a subject at some point…”

Jamin was still curious, but holding the cool exterior, waiting for his answer.

“I don’t know…I’m so focused on myself all the time. It would be nice to change obsessions…I’m terrified and amazed with the possibility, I guess?” he concluded giving a shoulder shrug, fighting the urge to gesticulate too much since Ally was there.

Jamin pondered a bit looking down at Ally peacefully sleeping.

“I don’t know if I would be a good father” he confessed, the hurt in the words weighting on his chest. Saying it aloud was worst. Whoever said that voicing things was the best thing to do was terribly wrong.

They were both avoiding the actual root of the conversation, the frozen picture, them as family.

“You would be a GREAT, father” Shane reassured him completely positive of his answer. Jamin frowned in disbelief but didn’t say anything. They kept staring at the TV for a few seconds sinking the information. Jamin tried hard to see them in this beautiful painting, but nothing, just an empty canvas.

“Do you see us… _you know,_  getting married?” Shane asked hesitating and laughing softly to not sound too interested in the answer.

Jamin never thought for a minute Shane was ever going to ask that. It took him completely out of guard.  _The picture wasn’t there._  He was literally in bed with his favorite person in the whole world. This wonderful, beautiful man, woman, clown. He wanted to be everyday by his side, even if it was too much, and he was trying constantly to not let him pour and go to waste, because every bit of Shane mattered.

And yet it wasn’t there.

He could feel Shane’s anxiety growing by the minute. He opened his mouth locking his gaze at Shane’s stare but he didn’t answer. He could see the half smile of Shane’s face withering. He wasn’t going to lie. Shane would know, but the more he tried to see the picture, the more it blurred.

“Shane, I- I..” he stuttered and Shane laughed nervously. “I have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow, I don’t know I-

Shane couldn’t keep quiet anymore and just interrupted him abruptly “I’m just messing with you, girl. We better sleep, Ally is getting restless here…” he replied still avoiding his eyes and turning off the TV. Jamin took a few seconds to acknowledge his biggest fuck up and then got out of bed slowly, his heart heavy.

“What I’m trying to say is that I find it hard to see the future, not only about us, but about everything. I always lived so stuck in the present and the past I-

The more he tried to explain the more the tension was growing as Shane was pulling the covers over him and Ally.

“Jamin, look, it’s fine…we bothered Ally all night” he answered almost in a whisper, his eyes still not finding shore at Jamin’s.

This wasn’t the answer he wanted to give at all. He wanted to say that he never thought he could be this happy, here, now. He loves Shane. So much it blurs his rational thinking. It gives him hope about a future he never thought he could have because he lost so much.  

“Can you turn off the light?” Shane asked closing his eyes and bringing Ally closer to his chest.

Jamin turned off the light and shut the door behind him and slid his back until sitting on the floor.

“Fuck!” he cursed in a frustrated whisper leaning his head on the door closing his eyes.

He didn’t want to fall asleep.

*

When Jamin woke up in the couch everything was still there. His sketches remained on the coffee table. His body was still very much awake when he headed to the bedroom. It wasn’t even 7 am, but Shane and Ally were up. She was dressed to go with her backpack on and holding Falcor sitting on the edge of the bed.

Shane was ready to go picking up his things from the dresser.

“Good morning, kid. Did you sleep alright?” he asked Ally that was grumpy quiet. Shane just acknowledged his presence but continued picking up his things and making sure nothing was messy. This was never a good sign.

“Falcor is a good cuddler, his ears are warm. Shane snorts too much, but not as loud as mom” she sleepily pointed out.

“I do not. I have allergies!” Shane defended himself and Jamin laughed at him but he didn’t respond to the peace offer.

Everything was set and Shane put his brown leather bag on the shoulder, the violin case on the other. Then he put his dreads up in a big bun and looked around the place. Jamin loved to observe his nape on this hairdo, how his long neck made a perfect line with his jaw.

“I’m staying in my folks for my birthday” he warned him with no further information. Five days."

Ally and Jamin exchanged looks. He told her about the birthday surprise. Taking Shane to a small trip to the beach.

“But- Ally opened her mouth and stopped when Jamin cut her before she blew their undercover.

“I thought you’re were staying in New York?” he asked confused crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Yeah, my dad has this nasty cold and with my folks from Norway here, I need to help him”

Shane was lying. This was classic Shane trying to shut him off. Ally put Falcor on the bed and looked and both suspicious, shitting her gaze between the two.

“You guys are acting weird.”

Shane held her hand and they walked out of the room with no goodbyes. Jamin got off their way, Shane’s perfume still lingering in the air. Jamin knew he fucked up.

At the door Ally hugged Jamin while Shane observed tapping his feet on the floor and checking his phone. They weren’t late at all. But he wanted to get out of there. Jamin grabbed his fist before he vanished in thin air.

“Text me when you get there, okay?”

Shane just nodded and they left. Jamin knew his answer was awful but Shane’s behavior of not speaking what he was really feeling and this passive chaos inside of him made him furious. It was getting late and he needed to start his day. Maybe with things to do he would make sense this mess they were in.

*

The silence of the next two days was deafening. Shane being quiet was the worst thing it could happen, but Jamin was feeling tired. He didn’t have the energy to talk to Alvy or any of Shane’s closest friends to find guidance to get to him. It wasn’t the first time. Maybe they needed this distance so Jamin could see the picture and Shane realize that he never meant to hurt him. But how could he ever explain what he wanted if he kept ignoring him?

Jamin’s phone rang. He was sleeping and maybe it was part of the dream, but it was getting loud. He woke up scared, his heart beating fast and his throat getting dry. It was a number that he couldn’t identify.

“Hello?” he answered in short breath.

The voice wasn’t familiar. It was somber, the person on the other line was sounded like a woman still weeping, it echoed something from the past.

*

Jamin knew love by the maybe late age of eighteen years old. He was a British kid that used to paint drawings inspired by The Cure songs. His name was Frederick. They had an intense relationship but Fred was constantly moving countries because his father was a diplomat.

The last time Jamin heard about the ginger boy that became a man, he was married with two adopted kids and led a happy life in Florida as a literature professor.

_Until cancer took him away two days ago._

The funeral was beautiful. Fred was suffering in the final stage so his husband was somehow prepared to never be prepared. Death changes everything. It makes you experience nothing is ever certain. Feel it in every fiber of your bone the fleeting weight of time.

Jamin knew many familiar faces. Some of his high school friends flew for the funeral. Fred was deeply loved.

Shane was born the day his first love died.

*

“You should stop drinking, we have a flight to catch in few hours”

Beckie warned her brother. They were at a local bar with some of the people that were in the funeral. Being surrounded with so many people from his past made Jamin realize how much he missed his present. His now. His future.

He tried to call Shane many times but he didn’t answer the phone.

“It’s ridiculous. I…I- how can I even explain what I mean if he doesn’t even speak to me?” he pulled his tie loose. It was one of the few occasions he was wearing a suit.

Becky was sitting on the stool next to him having drinks too, looking tired and half drunk.

“You’re dating Thorgy Thor, you know she’s gonna be extra even in the silent treatment” she scoffed.

“I’m…I’m over it. I’m too old for this, you know? Fred…he had everything and he’s dead. Like, nothing makes sense? I’m still on the way, and yet I feel defeated”

Becky observed her brother getting into Bitter Betty mode as he turned now another tequila shot.

“Nah…you’re not over it. You never are, Jay.”

He looked and his sister and find some comforting in her drunk few words.

“I want to marry that idiot. I just can’t believe it” he admitted defeated. Beckie laughed side hugging her brother.

*

“Bitch, these cakes are awful. This is like street corner bakery at the end of the day in its finest”

Bob cackled as he took another bite of the frost that was melting. They were at Shane’s apartment after his birthday party with the Brooklyn girls. Bob couldn’t go but he managed to drop by to give him a hug, and Shane knew Jamin already had told him what’s going on between their undefined status.

They were at the kitchen’s table, Bob still with full make-up on but wearing Chris clothes.

“You know, you’re like the gay fairy godmother of my relationship with Acid” Shane replied fingering the cake and eating a good amount.

Bob widened his eyes and opened his arms.

“Yes! Oh my god I’m Whitney Houston in that black-wash Cinderella movie with Brandy, I can’t”

They both laughed screamed and Bob felt satisfied with making Shane laughing. Until it was fading away and Shane got melancholic again.

“You guys broke up. Again. Are you guys never not breaking up?”

“We didn’t break up. And technicality we only broke up once. We are just…I have no idea what the fuck is going on to be honest” Shane replied defeated forking his cake. “I- I just feel like I’m not a person, you know what I mean?”

Bob nodded repeatedly and Shane laughed.

“I’m an idea. It always has been like this. All my relationships. Guys sleep with me because I’m crazy, because I’m heartless and something different for one night stand. They know they can leave, because I’m not someone they can see a future with. I think I was just shocked, because I never imagined that Jamin couldn’t see it too….”

Shane kept fumbling the fork. His eyes weren’t even watery. He was just utterly numb. Bob’s was quiet because he was feeling sorry for his friend. He was feeling guilty because he was the one to never take Shane seriously and always point out how crazy Thorgy is.

“Look Shane” he grabbed his friend arm, “Jamin is not of these fucking assholes okay. He sees you as a wholesome person. And he loves you, completely, which I will always find it weird and courageous because you are….trigger alert, crazy”

Shane giggled and slapped his arm and he gave his classic raspy cackle.

“He’s just old. He probably is afraid of marriage because when he was born there was only arranged ones!”

“Look, it’s not that I want to get married tomorrow ok. I just wanted the answer. Plain and simple. I wanted simple, just for once. You know what I mean?”

Bob nodded.

“But as your fairy godmother I must remind you: when two extra bitches like you two get together there will always be drama, honey! But I do, I do get what you mean. But the first step to simple is you know, talking to your boyfriend again?”

*

After Bob left Shane read all Jamin’s messages again. He was sitting on the couch staring at them gathering the courage to call him. But there was something still pulling him back. He was going to do it tomorrow. It was too late. He knew Jamin was in town but who knows if he was even awake.

Shane fell asleep on the couch holding his phone. In his dream, nothing had changed. The never-ending story was still happening, and he was the only one that could write it.

*

When he woke up everything was still there. Shane was used to collect people’s phobia and the last days after the fight he kept the habit of drawing in breakfast too. The place was awfully quite with Alvy out of town. He was quickly sketching on the kitchen’s table when Jamin showed up. First he thought he was a vision, the studded black jacket on but a full week stubble covering his face. He had a white box from a pastry shop on his hands.

“I don’t know if you read your messages but I was in a funeral. On the day of your birthday. My first boyfriend passed away. It was sort of a enlightenment moment.”

Shane stood up quickly picking his phone from the table and his drawings fell on the floor “Sorry, I’ve read them tod-

Jamin noticed that he was drawing in the morning. Just like he does.

“I want to marry you. I don’t know when it’s going to happen or even if I’m cut for it but I do want to be with you every day. Now. I still don’t know about the future, but I can give you now. And you deserve to know this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t say it properly at that night and you should be sorry for not letting me say it after”

“I am sorry” he reassured him, his voice trembling. But Shane’s eyes wrinkled with the sweet smile he opened. “My dad says that I take silent treatment as a silent penalty” and Jamin finally laughed. He was relieved that he could still disarm him easily. “Is this a wedding ring?” Shane asked brushing off his emotional exterior crossing arms in front of his chest.

“A wedding donut is a better and sweeter promise?” he offered approaching the table that still had leftovers cake from the last night.

Shane retrieved the box out of his hands and grabbed his face for a deep kiss. Jamin’s whole body ran with electricity, as if his power was restored after a long blackout. His hands traveled under Shane’s shirt caressing his back dimples and Shane pushed him against the fridge.

“You've ruined my birthday surprise” he whispered disconnecting the kiss briefly taking off Shane’s shirt as Shane worked rubbing his bulge over the jeans.

“The whole month is mine birthday…” Shane replied dropping to his knees and looking up with a mischievous smile.

“I can see that” he scoffed noticing the two cakes on the table before letting a soft moan when Shane pulled his pants down.

The picture was finally in focus.

They were in a sunny beach, the sparkling water almost blinding, the salty smell of the ocean mixed with sunscreen. Shane holding a Bloody Mary and his shoulder full of tan freckles.


End file.
